I ranked Canada's party leaders by who'd be the most fun on a date

Pierre Poilievre (Conservative Party)

Pierre shows up, already halfway through a scotch, wearing a suit clearly inspired by the stylings of Kendall Roy.

The server swings by to fill your water, but Pierre's already rattling off his order on the spot — even though neither of you have even opened the menu yet. When the server politely mentions he's not actually your waiter, Pierre challenges the ludicrous concept of restaurant hierarchies. "You can take it anyway, right?"

He orders the steak (medium rare), his fifth Manhattan, and asks you what your five-year plan is. He gears up to poke holes in it, which he calls a fun icebreaker to "get you thinking." You realize pretty quickly you're not on a date — you're at an audition.

You try to pivot the conversation and ask what TV shows he's been watching lately. He says, "the news." He challenges you to poke holes in his five-year plan.

Damn it.

It's going to be a long night.

And yet...he's a great tipper. He'd probably sit down with your grandpa for three hours and listen to his war stories like they were TED Talks.

Sure, he's constantly referencing The Art of War and says things like, "I'm playing chess, they're playing checkers," but after your last never-ending situationship that taught you "nice guys" can be f*ckboys (mind blown), there's something almost refreshing about a man who tells you exactly who he is.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Fun if life's beaten you down a few times and you don't need fireworks — you just want a "life partner" who tells you where you stand and can make good on his promises that if you stick with him, you can pay a mortgage instead of rent.

Maxime Bernier (PPC)

Maxime kicks things off by telling you he doesn't "believe in small talk" before you've even taken your coat off. You apologize for being late. You make the grave error of blaming it on the weather — he rolls his eyes and says, "You don't really believe in that stuff, do you? Don't get me started."

But it's already too late. You already got him started.

Fifteen minutes in, it feels like fifty. He's already shown you several YouTube clips shedding a "new light" on one of the World Wars.He's not saying the Earth is flat, but he's definitely not sold that it's round.

He is currently on day 90 of a 100-day all-meat diet. He has a bone to pick with seatbelts — and the laws that make it illegal not to wear them.

That's when you're ready to ask for the cheque.

Sensing he might be losing you, he leans in and hits you with one of the hardest-hitting questions you've ever been hit with: "You always wear seatbelts...even in taxis?"

Damn it. You don't.

F*ck it. Bring me another drink.

He's weirdly funny, surprisingly engaging, and — against all your better judgment — you stay. You stay because you're the Carrie Bradshaw of your own life, and how can we know who will work for us if we don't give a chance to someone who may not?

You stay for the plot.

And somehow, for all his quirks and chaos, he's got passion pumping through his veins — and even if it's the first and last one, he gives you one hell of a goodnight kiss.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Fun if you like fast-talking, contrarian thinkers who have read The 48 Laws of Power more than once and push you to question everything you've ever known. 9/10 chance he forces you to join him on the all-meat diet.

Mark Carney (Liberal Party)

Mark picks a restaurant, and you have to Google it to understand the menu. He knows the owner and is shaking hands and kissing babies all the way to a table. He's confident in the way that feels like a flex... at first. Until you realize that maybe this is a ride you can never get off.

In between discussions of interest rates and global trade policy, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom and ask ChatGPT what the f*ck this guy's talking about. You try to make a joke about insider trading. He doesn't laugh. You ask why the Canadian dollar is worth 10 American cents. He says, "That's a great question. These are the kind of questions Canadians need to be asking," and then proceeds to not answer you whatsoever.

Still, he asks smart questions, and even if you don't have smart answers, he listens intently. You tell yourself not to f*ck this up for your mom because this is all she ever wanted for you, and after your last BF, whose address was a P.O. box, you don't have a lot of missteps left in you.

It's all technically perfect and you like how much people like him, but after an awkward not-kiss-goodnight, you realize you just don't feel the butterflies you wish you did.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Date him if you always wanted to be Charlotte in Sex and the City season 3, circa Trey.

Yves-François Blanchet (Bloc Québécois)

Yves will already be smoking a hand-rolled cigarette when you arrive. He's wearing his Danier leather jacket, looking like he wandered out of a European art house film.

He flirts mostly in French, and when he's not, he's furrowing his brow dramatically, trying to remember "the English word." It's thank you. The word is thank you.

You suggest getting champagne, but he corrects you immediately. "It's not champagne unless it's from the Champagne region of France," he explains, a little too seriously.

He orders a bottle of red wine for the table instead. You spend the night discussing art, philosophy, and why North America has no real culture.

It feels electric. Cinematic. You go home the next morning, still drunk on red wine and romance, wondering if this is the moment you finally book that gap year trip to Europe you never took.

You wait for him to call.

He never does.

He never even follows you back on Instagram. He said he "doesn't believe in social media," but from your secret Finsta, you watch him post countless cryptic stories.

After the initial sting wears off, you realize it was never going to last. He always wanted you to spell his name out with an accent on the "ç" — and that was an extra few seconds that, over time, would shave years off your life. It would have eventually torn you apart.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Fun if you have watched Before Sunrise and thought to yourself, "damn, I'd really rock a t-shirt over a long dress."

Elizabeth May & Jonathan Pedneault (Green Party of Canada)

You're two sips into your cocktail, waiting for a friend who's always running late, when it happens — the gaze.

Across the bar, Elizabeth and Jonathan make eyes at you and beckon you over. You walk across the room, unsure what's about to happen, and that's when Elizabeth leans in and says, "We saw you from across the bar, and we really like your vibe."

Next thing you know, you're at a candlelit afterparty. Incense is burning. Your teeth are sunk into a biodynamic fig while a Patti Smith record spins in an off-grid eco-home (it's an Airstream, obviously).

They're wildly charming, offering you hard kombucha and hope in this cruel world.

You didn't plan to join a polycule tonight... but honestly, you've made worse decisions.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Fun if you're craving hope, beauty, and connection — even if deep down, you know it's not built for everyday life.

Jagmeet Singh (NDP)

You met online.

At first, you weren't sure — Jagmeet's profile had a few too many photos of him with random dogs at shelters. But after your last breakup, you're willing to try anything.

You FaceTimed before setting a date — his idea, obviously. You agree to meet for a modest but intimate coffee. He's looking for a wife, he says, as you wait in line to order. You're not sure what you're looking for, but you are open to finding out.

He grabs you an oat milk latte (he remembers when you texted him that it was your favourite), and you go for a walk in nature. You play a round of 20 questions and intentionally exchange childhood traumas.

By the time the date winds down, he's floated the idea of going to therapy together someday — you know, just in case things ever got serious.

You leave wondering how a man could be so emotionally available. Or, worse, if maybe he's too emotionally available.

He ends the date with a bear hug and tells you to text him when you get home. Even though it's broad daylight, you do. And you're surprised when he texts back immediately just to say he had a great time.

Fun-to-Date Rating: Fun if you're ready for soft launches, safe spaces, and being the one with the avoidant attachment style.